For most students, college is a time for discovering yourself and life outside of the home. These are exciting and challenging times and for a crossdresser, it’s certainly more intense. I moved into a dorm with a few of my personal belongings but certainly I was too scared to bring any of my feminine attire. I decided to leave my clothes at home and perhaps these feelings would just go away as I matured.
No such luck! I soon found myself longing to get dressed up, even if it was just one or two articles. One day, I drove to a Target and picked up a pack of ladies’ underwear. This was not the only thing I was purchasing that day, but it definitely felt like it. I experienced so much anxiety in that store, and to make matters worse, the store was super busy. I had to wait in line for about 15 minutes with a 3 pack of panties in my shopping basket. My heart raced, my palms got sweaty, and I began to feel dizzy. Luckily, I was able to pay with no issue from the cashier, and there I was again, starting a new collection.
Unfortunately, I let my anxiety get the best of me soon after. Because my shopping trip was so nerve-wracking, I felt that I would never again muster up the courage to go shopping for womens’ clothing. I want you all to know that I am not proud about what I am about to say next, but feel it necessary in order to help those who may be going down the same path. One night, while doing laundry, I found myself alone in the basement laundry room. I looked over in one of the dryer windows and saw some lingerie, so I opened it up and stole some of the clothes. Again, I am NOT proud of this and would urge any of you out there with similar thoughts to refrain from this. There are other ways to get clothing, including shopping online from stores that would give no suspicion as to what was inside (i.e., target.com or gap.com).
Because I had a roomate, I was not able to dress unless he was out for the evening. I also had friends of my own, so this limited my dressing to perhaps once a month. However, had I made progress in my journey? I was still very confused as to why I was compelled to dress up like a girl. My shame, coupled with my immaturity, caused me to experience my first purge. To those of you who may not know, we refer to any action of trashing your womanly wardrobe as purging. Again, I highly advise against this, but for different reasons of course.
I remember throwing my shopping bag full of clothes down the trash chute and immediately feeling guilty about it. What had I done? I couldn’t believe that I had just done this to myself. In a way, I felt that maybe by doing this I would punish myself for these bad feelings and that somehow I would ‘cure’ myself. Again, no such luck.
Please tune in next time, I will share with you the incredible life-changing super duper event known as: moving into my own college apartment. In the meanwhile, I appreciate any feedback and remember that you can contact me by email or IM if you would like to comment or share anything.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Jessica
What an incredible series of blogs and what an incredible friend, mother and wife you have. Thanks so much for sharing. It is very inspiring to read.
Hugs
Abby
Thank you Abby, I always appreciate positive feedback. I was actually going through some of my old posts today and noticing that most don’t have comments. Thanks for being the first commenter on this entry
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Jessica, I purged many hundreds of dollars in clothes. I then would watch clothes lines outside late at night and started stealing women’s bras and panties off those lines. I was then ashamed of all this but also felt a tremendous turn on at the same time. I understand you completely. I would take my then girlfriend(now my wife home) and randomly search for my clothes lines.
I like you have a wife(of 38 years) that helps me deal with my love to crossdress.I have loved crossdressing for as long as I can remember.
Please keep up your great work and I support all you are doing.
Love you girl,
Louise.