I moved into my first apartment in January of 2000. I had a couple of roomates, but everyone kept to themselves so I had a lot of privacy. Shortly after my first purge, I began to build up a small wardrobe again, mostly from Wal Mart. I kept my clothes in a small piece of luggage hidden under my bed.
This brings me to a good point, there was no actual need for me to hide my clothes. I wasn’t friends with my roomates so they never came into my room. Additionally, each bedroom had a separate lock and key, so when I was gone nobody could possibly invade my privacy. Despite these facts, I hid my clothes. Looking back, I realize that they were not only hidden from the outside world, but also from myself. I was not at all comfortable with my crossdressing, but knew that I would continue to have these feelings. Storing it in a suitcase meant that these clothes would never be seen except when I felt the need to dress. This did not help me to progress towards self-acceptance.
My next apartment offered even more privacy (2001-2002), but I continued separating my clothes. I dressed with some regularity, would occasionally purchase a new outfit, and even acquired my first wig.
Then, I began to go to counseling. Crossdressing wasn’t the only topic of discussion, but it was certainly a big one. We talked about possible reasons I did this and one counselor even helped me figure out my measurements. For one session, she invited me to bring my clothes in a duffle bag and change in the bathroom of the counseling office. Looking back, these were times during which I could have made humongous strides, but instead I stopped attending my appointments. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of shame associated with my dressing, and decided to purge again.
During 2002, I lived with a group of friends, and therefore had less time to dress. Eventually, I fell into my first depression. I won’t say that this was totally brought on by my crossdressing feelings, because I was going through other problems at the time. I decided to return to counseling, and finally started making some progress. I actually can’t recall many of the discussions, but what I do remember is my therapist telling me that I was normal. Hearing that you are indeed not a freak of nature will help anyone love themselves more.
In 2003, I moved into a one bedroom apartment and lived by myself. Of course, this had its advantages because I could do whatever I wanted. Through therapy and having my own place I was able begin my trip down the long and winding path toward fully accepting the person that I knew as Jessica.
Based on my experiences during these years, I would advise you all out there to not purge. It will not make your feelings go away. Also, counseling was a big help in my life, and in fact still is. Your counselor will hopefully be able to lead you down the right track and assure you that you are not mentally ill. We are normal men and there is nothing wrong with wanting to put on a dress and heels, ever.
In my next entry I will tell you about 2004, the year I met my lovely wife, and beyond. Stay tuned!
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
You’re absolutely right – there is NOTHING wrong with self-expression in a feminine appearance. I’m glad you were able to overcome your shame. It wasn’t easy for me either… and took me almost a decade longer than you. Guess I’m a bit on the slow side, but better late than never.
The only purging I do is that of negative feelings, emotions, and people. Anyone who would try to make me feel bad about myself, change me, or lead me into harm – I have no room for them in my life. Purge my clothes? Never gonna happen. I LOVE who I am and I love being a crossdresser.
I’m not fully out of the closet, but I’m not ashamed of who I am in the slightest. No crossdresser should be. We need to put an end to that madness – there is no shame in who we are.
Thank you, it is nice to finally feel at peace with myself. My wife was certainly instrumental in my process, and everyday I wake up I realize how blessed I am.