While I may be in a wonderful and magical place about my crossdressing now, it was not always so. In fact, I have only since September really begun to shape my identity and come into my own as Jessica. Before that, I rode up and down the roller coaster of self doubt and shame.
One of my biggest issues, perhaps, was overthinking myself. For many years, I figured that I had a split personality. Most of the time I was all male, but about once a week I was Jessica. I kept these “people” completely separate of one another and, looking back, the tension this created within my mind was immense.
How did I go about this? Well, alcohol was sometimes the factor that facilitated the big transition. If I felt like dressing up, I would partake in some spirits until I felt buzzed enough to embrace my female side. I did this several times, with varying degrees of success, until it went too far. Nothing terrible happened, but I drank enough that I ended up pretty hung over. Feeling sick in the shower the next day, I decided that I would never again get trashed just to be able to put on a skirt.
A couple of years ago, my wife had urged me to trash the old suitcase in which I kept my clothes. Without sounding too exaggerated, I felt this was quite symbolic. She didn’t want me to keep things so separated anymore, so we moved my clothes to a dresser drawer. By doing this, she figured that I could move closer to accepting my crossdressing. What a step this ended up being!
Back to a few months ago. By taking her lesson even further, I had somewhat of an epiphany. What I realized was that all along, Jessica and I were not different characters. All of my life, we were one in the same. My feminine side was just that, another aspect of my personality. This was the big breakthrough that I was looking for since childhood, and I was able to reach it with the aid of my lovely wife.
After that, things did get better within the old thinking box. There was still more reflecting to do, because I was trying to undo almost 20 years of repression and denial. I pondered on whether or not to drop the name “Jessica”. We discussed the pros and cons, and for a while used it as code word that I wanted to dress up. As the “personas” merged, I grew and matured. Along the way, however, I stumbled. I remained afraid of what my crossdressing meant. Thus began the dramatic, philosophical era of my crossdressing, which lasted about a year.
Please keep in mind that I am all for carefully thinking about what makes you tick, but I do feel that as a crossdresser this may not always be the best approach. Like anything in life, a good balance will almost always be the best solution to a dilemma. I personally believe that to be a happy crossdresser, it is necessary to really embrace the girly stuff without worrying too much about what it means. After all, this is something that we really need to enjoy, despite what others may say or think.
Do I really know why I crossdress? Do any of us? What I mean is, the roots of it, like how it started and why I feel this way. Honestly, I have no answer to that question and frankly, I don’t care to. I accept that I am this way and I am quite elated about it. I’m not ashamed of myself as I believe that God created me like this.
In the past couple of months, Jessica has really had her chance to shine and grow. Whoops, did I make that sound like she was someone else? Wait, who just wrote that? I’m, like, totally confused now. LOL, does this inner monologue sound familiar? If it does, try welding together the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself, because more than likely the person that comes out of it will enjoy life more. I know that this person did, no matter what I call myself.
JessicaWhoHD
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
That ole third person thing that we all slip into. I was jsut realizing today that I’m not using third person, but rather speaking of myself in the preferred person. I gotta get that into a blog one day…
Hmm, yea great point Leslie.
Jessica agrees * lol * there goes the third person again!!!
It always helps to hear of someone else’s experiences to remind you that you are not alone. Julie has been so much a part of my life that I can’t think of her as in the Third Person. But I have difficulty thinking of her in the First Person, too. I call this The Cross dresser’s Conundrum. (lol)
Julie Michelle
Hey Jessica,
I’ve been thinking alot about this issues – of having distinct names and personas vs feeling integrated as one person. I really like having two names and personas, but sometimes I think it encourages an unhealthy separation as you described, and I struggle to admit that we are the same person, thinking of the other gender in the third person. I’m also struggling between identifying as a crossdresser vs as bigender. Where, exactly, does the distinction lie between the two?