I have a long and rich history when it comes to counseling, and while it hasn’t always been easy to share my innermost secrets with a stranger, I do believe in therapy. The very first time I dealt with a counselor was back in the early 90s, when my family was going through some issues. We began to see a family counselor, and during my intake interview (which was by myself), I first shared my secret of being a crossdresser.
This particular counselor didn’t pay too much mind to this as it wasn’t the real reason we were all there, but when I was able to sneak a look at his notepad, I saw the what he wrote down was “gender identity issues”. I wondered why in the world he would jot that down. After all, I was certain that I was male, and I had no substantial feelings of actually wanting to be a real girl. As confused as that made me, I didn’t let it bother me and we never ended up going back to his office anyway.
Fast forward to my second year of college, when I began to seek the help of the campus counseling center. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a very helpful therapist who encouraged me to dress in a session, which was not only a huge leap forward but a therapeutic way for me to begin self-acceptance. Looking back, I know that I quit going because I was still in a million different places regarding my crossdressing. Through counseling I hoped to discover the reasons why I did it and possibly how to stop it. My shame got the best of me and the “macho” side won out by causing me to stop communication with such a wonderful counselor.
After a year or so, I renewed my efforts in the counseling center, this time with a new person. Together we attempted to unearth my crossdressing origins and spoke about how I shouldn’t feel guilty or uncomfortable with myself for putting on women’s clothing. This was to date my longest stint in therapy, and I did make some meaningful progress only to throw it away toward the end by letting my macho ego convince me to stop attending.
At the end of 2008, I signed up for therapy at my graduate school, and for the first time had no trouble sharing my world with the person on the other couch. While I am on a brief respite, I plan on continuing my sessions in order to keep making progress with my self image, self-esteem, and confidence. As such, the saga continues…
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