I attended the Be-All Conference from June 5th to June 7th, here is my journal of my experiences. Because of the long length, I have decided to divide it into a four part series. You can read Part One here.
So there we were, ambling around the dining hall, trying to find two empty seats. It seemed that every seeming vacancy had already been reserved, and before I knew it, my fears got the best of me. My wife tried her best to calm me down in order to stay for dinner and sit down as soon as some chairs emptied, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. We went back to the room as I tried to deal with all of the feelings I was experiencing.
I would love to say that my first few hours as Jessica in public were magical, but that just isn’t the case and I don’t want to lie to you all. As I sat in my chair, my mind was racing at an epic speed. In those moments I pondered what I was doing with my life and whether or not I could handle the stress and tribulations of being transgendered. I wondered why I didn’t see anyone my age yet, and questioned whether or not I even belonged at this conference. This may sound like complaining, but please understand that there were thoughts running through my head and I don’t want to come across as this smug crossdresser who just has everything together and is completely stable.
Why did I have to pay hundreds of dollars and drive an hour outside of town just to be myself? Why do I even have the desire to crossdress if it can be such a burden on my soul? And why the heck can’t I even feel comfortable as Jessica even in the midst of my “own people”. I felt like a coward and I felt like I was letting all of my readers down. I blog about feeling comfortable and confident in being a transgendered person, but there I was, retreating to a safe zone and chickening out on what was supposed to be a grand time. I asked myself how I would ever be comfortable around anyone else if I couldn’t even tolerate my feelings here.
I felt pathetic inside as my wife urged me to return to dinner and enjoy the subsequent entertainment. I felt terrible for not being able to do so, and so I decided to call my mother for advice. After getting her on the line, I summarized what had happened and what I was going through. She tried to make me feel relaxed by recounting similar situations she had endured (we both suffer from the same types of anxiety). Even after this, I did not reenter the conference until some more time had passed and my incredible wife had talked me down from my tree of solitude.
What had I been thinking? I am so lucky to have a supportive wife and a support group (albeit small) of family and friends. Not only that, how many of us crossdressers actually are blessed with the opportunity to attend a conference like this? I gathered myself and went back out, we returned to the dining room and enjoyed part of Blue Plate Special’s performance. After that, we went outside, another first, and walked around a bit before deciding to get in the car and go for a drive.
We eventually ended back in our room and ordered some room service — chicken quesadillas — and wound down in the hotel room. I felt exhausted from the day’s activities and emotions and actually fell asleep before my wife, a rare occurrence in the De Leon house.
Please check here for Part Three.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah introversion. I completely sympathize. Believe me, I never hold it against you when your wife wants to go out with us but you're not in the mood. I've spent years lying to people about "not feeling well" or "being really tired" to avoid social gatherings. Now I'm usually honest and just say, "sorry, introverting." It actually makes me much less anxious just knowing I can be honest with my friends.
And speaking of honesty, it's great that you're being honest with your readers about not being "totally together." I think your point about feeling upset that you had to spend hundreds of dollars and travel away from home just to be yourself is really illuminating. There's no formal law on the books against CD, but social control and social policing are often so rigid that it's even more effective than if there were a law against CD. So unbelievably frustrating. I'm glad you're ultimately happy with your experience though
-J
Wow Jessica what you described here is how I seem to feel very often about dressing. Part of me wants to so bad but then all of the sudden I'll hit a hurdle and I ask myself, why am I doing this? Do I really want to do this? Do I really NEED to do this? etc. Awesome post, thanks!
@J Sometimes I hate feeling introverted because I actually really enjoy myself once I am a social situation, but there are times when I truly relish my alone time. It's a tough balancing act. Thanks for your kind words
@Savanna It's always how you can tell you're really a crossdresser and not just faking it, because even though you feel this enormous pressure but you still want to go through with it.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting
A classic anxiety attack–I know them well. I'm glad you took down the happy face and showed us the difficulty you had. It's not weakness, it's strength. No regrets!
I've gotten to the point now where I'm very upfront about my social anxiety. I know I appear as out-of-kilter as I feel, so I explain myself quickly. It puts me more at ease to let people know that I'm struggling.
Gerat post!
Maybe the whole experience was too overwelming for your first time out.You should of gone too one of the groups first like CGS or Island Girls too "break the ice" so to speak