I would like to warn you that this post may seem controversial if you don’t read it to the end so please do, it will be worth your while.
This has been a working draft ever since I started blogging, but I put it off because I wasn’t quite sure how to word everything. When I blog it’s all about feeling, nothing is rehearsed. In other words, I sit down to a blank screen and type whatever comes to mind or has been circulating in my head.
I did see Brüno (the movie) this weekend so perhaps viewing some of the homophobic activity and hearing those hurtful slurs made me dig up this draft and finally type it out. To think that I was once a person who once thought along those lines made me very embarrassed, though I am very happy to say that my beliefs have changed.
Most of my life, I was intolerant of homosexuality, something that I am now quite ashamed of. You see, things were tough enough for this young kid growing up with conflicting gender identities, so there were times that I thought that I might be gay. I was never actually attracted to men but I foolishly believed that it might be something that I would develop as the years rolled by.
This was part of the reason that I was intolerant. Another factor was my father, who was (and still is) very prejudiced. It would be cowardly of me to blame any of my problems on him, because he always provided me with the essentials – food and shelter plus more. Religion probably played a role too – but that is a topic for another post. The point is, I was not accepting of gays in general.
I never slandered a gay person and I never treated any of my gay friends differently, though I’m sure I made jokes behind their backs; When I wanted to say something was stupid or illogical, I’d instead say “that’s gay.” In addition, I was a frequent user of the “f” word. Not proud moments, indeed.
Even in the last year when I was coming in to my own, I still felt the same way. My wife had always felt the opposite and was always trying to evangelize me, but it never took. I was just too stubborn and set in my beliefs to ever see things differently. I never felt that way toward transgendered people who had transitioned or some day would, I suppose because I always felt a connection.
You’ll never believe what changed everything for me. In the moments that I was finishing My Husband Betty, something just clicked in my head. Why was I against gay people living their lives, getting married, adopting children, etc? There was no point to my ignorance. Here I was, begging the world for acceptance, yet I couldn’t even do the same. All those years, I was a hypocrite in this regard. I closed the book and turned to my wife who was lying next to me and told her of my epiphany.
She was ecstatic and we discussed even more. Since that day I have been much more vocal when someone says something offensive and I am ready and willing to do my part in the voting booth. I’m no saint, I’m just one person who, due to many circumstances, formulated terrible opinions. I was brainwashed by mainstream society and instead of keeping love and friendship as my priorities I was bogged down by ridiculous conventions. It’s amazing how much happier you become when you let go of prejudice and judgment, I can certainly attest to that.
Though my views have changed, I know that the gay community doesn’t need me for anything, after all I am just one person. However, I am now a loud supporter and despite my past feelings, I now look at each and every person for who they are and not their sexuality.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Jessica
Great post! I myself used the word “gay” very often all throughout college in such a manner. And I would have been one of those people that made fun of transsexuals/transgendered as well. It was the thing to do as an ignorant “guy”.
I know I’ll get flamed for it but I still do not believe homosexuality is built-in to our DNA makeup. Then again I’m not sure what I believe about crossdressing and gender identity and whether that is built-in either. I’ve read theories and studies but haven’t seen any proof yet.
I’ve asked if there are any facts in the forum I’m a part of and did not receive but 1 comment and it was still not factual in any way.
I’m not saying this to be demeaning at all…it’s actually more of a plea for help. What facts are out there? Where can I read about it?
Yea I don’t know what to believe as far as DNA either, from sexuality and gender to other personality traits. From my perspective, I’d say that concrete proof will probably never come out. I don’t know whether crossdressing was hard-wired into my brain or if certain experiences early in my childhood facilitated its existence.
I don’t know of any resources off-hand but I will talk to some friends and see if I can find something.
It takes a lot of guts to admit your failings.
I’m not sure there’s a gene that makes us straight, gay or trans; but I do think it comes down to the hormones we’re exposed to in the womb. That’s not to blame dear old Ma, but if you get too much or too little of certain chemicals at the wrong/right time then that affects you.
I think that’s also why you can’t fight who you are. It’s wired into your brain. For us, this is normal.
Thanks, Lynn.
I would tend to believe the hormone thing, as I feel like I’ve always been different than most guys (emotionally).
A great post, Jessica, and a very brave one. I grew up believing that gays were perverted and sinful. Somehow I managed to convince myself that my particular deviation from the ‘norm’ was fine, but that everyone else’s was wrong. How stupid!!
I appreciate it, Angie. That’s exactly what I think now, that I was okay but others weren’t…What a hypocrite I was …
What a great post, Jessica. I appreciate your humility and admission to words and feelings many of us are guilty of as well. I have never been a “saint,” and I am arguably one of the worst of sinners.
But here’s where we have our chance to show healing, love, and tolerance. And so much more.
This is precisely the kind of stuff I look forward to reading when I take time to read others’ blogs. You’ll go a long way in speaking from your heart!
Thanks, Lori your words mean so much to me. I had been struggling with how to write this post for a couple of months, but just kept putting it off.
After watching the movie, I saw some of the lame reactions and hateful words spewed by the unsuspecting people in the film. With these thoughts in mind, I sat down and finally was able to express my feelings.