Although I went on a small vacation a couple of weeks ago to get away from all the stresses of daily life, I came back and fell into a bit of depression. For one reason or another, I began questioning myself and who I am.
I’ve been letting my fears and doubts get the best of me lately and I haven’t actually dressed in almost two months, but I am now determined to fix things.
Depression runs in my family and this isn’t my first bout with it, so I have started writing a post about it and how it relates to being transgendered. My hopes are that you all can relate with it and perhaps offer your own insights.
I must apologize to you as well, because I know that I have all but disappeared online and my post frequency slowed to a crawl. My wife and I sat down several times and tried to work out the issues that were holding me back but just couldn’t seem to solve this.
Either today was a great day or my depression has run its course, because I feel a lot better right now. I’m back for real this time, and I have promised myself that I am going to do things that will benefit my wellbeing.
I haven’t felt like this in a few years, but now that I’ve identified the sources of my problem, I can work toward my goal of being happy. Part of my self-diagnosed treatment will include getting my eyebrows done, legs waxed and getting dressed.
I’m constantly learning about myself and where I stand along the gender spectrum. Part of what I’ve discovered is that I can’t teeter too far to either the masculine or feminine sides of my being, otherwise I get out of whack. This internal balance is something that I am going to blog extensively about and I hope that you can share your feelings on the subject.
I think that you would agree that one can’t feel happy all the time, life is always throwing you curve balls. However, as I grow and mature, I am going to do my best to keep myself on track.
So, again, I’m back for real this time. I’m going to get back to my writing and creating and keeping in touch with all of you. Sorry for the break and thanks for being patient.
photo credit: Simone Bonazzoli
JessicaWhoHD
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Hi again,
I understand the depression deal – it hits me periodically, especially when I cannot correlate who I am internally with the external physical body. My girlfriend is a nutritional educator and during my moments of depression, she gives me some b vitamin and zinc and this helps bring my spirits back up and keep me sorta level.
Do dress more often if you can – my girlfriend noticed(I agree with it) that when I wasnt dressing everyday and venturing back to boy mode that I was more sad and angrier than when I dressed more frequently en femme. Now, I dress everyday- even at work – although subdued femme and I feel better – I get looks occasionally – especially in the hardware store- but who cares….
I hope this will help and that you cheer up and feel better soon! I do appreciate your efforts and posts here – keep up the good work!
Hi Christina,
Thank you so much for your support, I will try the taking those vitamins when I am feeling like this again. Your girlfriend is very sweet to help you out like that and it’s good to hear that you’ve found a good balance.
Jessica
Dear Jessica
There’s certainly no shame in suffering from depression. It affects many of us in some way, and tg-girls probably more than most. I’m so glad to hear that you’re able to discuss things with your wife, and though this didn’t seem to have any effect at the time, I’m sure it has been part of the healing process.
We’ve had family staying with us for the past 2½ weeks, so ‘Angie’ had to go into hiding. I told myself that I was coping rather well, but in truth I was bottling things up and getting depressed. The day they left I went down with a horrible viral throat infection.
Some nice feminine pampering goes a long way, so get those eyebrows done and enjoy every minute of it!
Hugs,
Angie xx
Hi Angie,
Sorry that you had to go into hiding like that, I hope you are feeling better
. Thanks for the advice I am going to pamper myself very soon
Jessica
No need to apologise. Blogging stuff is a nice-to-have, the real world – and one’s physical / mental health are more important.
Happy all the time? No, that’s unlikely isn’t it. Well, unless you’re either a) on something or b) a kid’s television presenter or c) both of the previous
Personally, I’d settle for a general feeling of contentment and less of the rare deep, dark pits of depression that sometimes knock on our collective doors.
LOL
I agree with you there, I hope that I can avoid those long battles with depression in the future
Don’t worry. Take all the time you need to feel comfortable again. I know how you do feel. We’ll be here…=)
Thanks, Dekka. I really appreciate the understanding
It took me a while to find my dressing zone. I don’t feel the need as much as some other girls do but I can tell when I am feeling stressed, dressing is a big help. Just enjoy yourself and don’t feel the need to set limits on either end.
Thanks for the great advice, Becky. I am definitely at my most happy when I find a balance and right now, my life has be skewing too far on the masculine side.
Dear Jessica,
We all suffer with depressed periods. I have been going through my own period as I write. It seems to be a little cyclic in it appearance, and I can’t generally find its trigger. I think my biggest obstacle is my inability to communicate my CD feelings fully with my spouse. She merely and barely tolerates it because she fears it. So, when I go into a spell of hibernation instead of getting agitiated, I get somewhat depressed and all else suffers.
Nice to have you back, look forward to following your posts.
Ellen
Hi Ellen,
I can surely relate to not being able to talk about CDing and having that be a catalyst of sadness. Thanks for your encouragement and kind words
Jessica