After coming out to a significant other, what is among their top fears, if not number one? Answer: That we will eventually want to transition to living as a full time female. This is a concern that is certainly not unfounded nor farfetched; after all, it is difficult for most to understand why we choose to crossdress.
Although there are many different types of transgendered people, we can all be separated into two broad categories: those who transition and those who do not. However, spend enough time around other crossdressers and you’ll eventually hear the joke about the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual (the punchline is “about two years”).
So, are we forcing ourselves down a path where full-time is the ultimate goal?
In other words, are we on a slippery slope? It’s a valid question, when you think about it. To our wives, girlfriends or boyfriends it may seem that each time we have an en femme session it is more intense than the previous. In addition, to an observer, we can seem like a drug addict who requires increasingly intense actions to achieve the same high.
A Wife’s Concern
Flat out, this has always been my wife’s biggest area of concern and for a while had prevented her total acceptance of Jessica. She has wrestled with this notion, but in her never-ending awesomeness has told me that she will love me no matter what I choose to do relating to gender.
I can see where she is coming from because when I first told her about my crossdressing habit, I basically made it seem like no big deal. It came across as something minor, done once in a while to satisfy a curious quirk of mine. As time marched on, though, she discovered how important it actually was to me.
This is how the panic was born, because she observed me consistently setting higher goals for my feminine appearance. To be clear, I have never had any desire to transition, I am actually very happy with the range of my gender expression be that masculine, feminine or androgynous.
A Gateway Drug?
Some people do feel that crossdressing is the beginning of a long journey that ends in transition, but I don’t buy this theory. I look at life as an exploration of your innate transgenderism, something that must be done.
It’s prepostorous, in my opinion, to say that allowing a man to fulfil his feminine desires will just build up to hormone therapy and/or GRS. What I do believe is that we are born with our gender identity, but it may take some time and experimenting to figure out exactly what that is.
Think of it like potential that needs to be realized; if you are meant to, you will eventually meet your destiny of being a woman, but otherwise you’ll be happy just crossdressing. You musn’t board up your feelings, but instead allow yourself to dress up, try makeup, go out and meet others like you so that you can really find the true you.
Hindering your progress is a big no-no, you will not only be hurting yourself but this damage will ultimately manifest itself in other places. Left alone to stew in misery, you may eventually take your frustrations out on your family in the form of crankiness or something even more serious like abuse.
Don’t be afraid to find yourself and where you sit along the spectrum of femininity. Most will be happy just to be a transvestite or drag queen, but others will discover (if they don’t already know) that they are a female born in the wrong body.
Loved Ones
To the significant others, family and friends: It is of the utmost importance that you help your crossdressing loved one to figure out just who they are. My wife is an absolute angel in letting me discover Jessica’s various qualities and goals, and this has helped me in the journey toward self-acceptance.
To you, the crossdresser: Don’t be afraid that exploring your feminine side will take you to places that you don’t want to end up, it is best that you find your true self sooner rather than later.
You are who you are, and clothing, wigs, makeup, shoes and handbags will certainly not change that. Hopefully these are just tools that will aid you in discovering your true essence.
photo credit: lrargerich
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Nicely put. Thank you!
I must say I was rather bemused when I finally heard for myself that hoary joke about the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual, as I’d been CDing myself (and taking things no further than that) for some seventeen years by then. “Oh well,” I thought at the time, “there goes that theory!” But no, I’ve been content to more-or-less be the proverbial “bloke in a dress” for nearly two decades now, and I figure that that’s where I’m likely to stay on the TG spectrum. I will say, though, that in all the years I’ve been crossdressing, I’ve become a lot more open-minded about the sort of women’s clothing I’ll wear. Initially, I stuck to rather “unisex” stuff, eschewing anything really lacy or frilly as a little too girly (or maybe just a little too old womanish), but I’ve since shed pretty much all my inhibitions about wearing the latter types of things. (To me, though, that’s no different from the way women as a whole have become progressively more bold in their purloining of things from the male wardrobe over the decades.) Oh, and I’ve probably edged a little further along the aforementioned spectrum by getting most of my facial hair removed (via laser). Eh, not to worry.
Yea, I don’t think too highly of that joke myself, I know that people say it in jest, but there is probably some sincerity to their sarcasm.
I know that given the opportunity, practically every trans person can figure out where they sit along the spectrum, it just takes time and effort.
Thanks for your wonderful input
A good post. There are those who try the next level to avoid the fears associated with transition. My own slide to the position I consider myself to be could be seen to be the fact I was in denial though I see it as an exploration of my inner self.
Thanks, Lucy. Exploration is very important, and I feel that all crossdressers should take the time and put forth the energy to discover what is best for them.
Hi Jessica,
A good post, well thought out and well written.
From my own experience having kept my transvestism/feminism carefully and well hidden (sometimes even from myself during denial and purging stages) over the years, I have found that it is impossible to remain at the same level of femininity for long.
As someone (a TG woman) once wrote a few years back ….. “confessing your transgenderism to someone is like the story of the little Dutch boy who plugged up a hole in a dyke wall with his finger to stop the sea from washing his home away. Once you remove your finger a let some of the water out you cannot stop it again. It keeps coming out, more and more, until everything that was before is completely washed away and nothing can ever be the same again.”
And it’s true, you cannot go back to where you were before. Once you start on this journey you can only keep going. Everything changes daily and even in your own crossdressing life you will find that where you stand now is much, much further along than when you started (or even just last year) and next year you will have progressed even further. You cannot stop. Yes, the changes might become more subtle for you, but they will be there nonetheless.
Accept and enjoy.
I have.
Take care and appreciate your wonderful understanding wife. SHE IS SPECIAL!!!
XXXXX.