This is an excerpt from an advice column in the Toronto Star, this week a mother wrote in asking for advice regarding her son’s crossdressing behavior and potential future.
I’ve copied and pasted the question and answer below along with my own opinions.
Q: I’ve discovered that my son, 14, has been dressing up in my clothes in private. He never dressed up in girl’s clothing as a young child.
My husband also discovered a story my son had written where the main character, a young boy, goes shopping with his mother who wants to buy girl’s clothing for him, which he enjoys wearing. My husband’s been accepting of what we think is cross-dressing behaviour. However, I’m stressed out over it, worried it’ll become a lifelong fetish/behaviour, and unsure how healthy it is from a societal perspective.
I’ve tried not to overreact. But I did express that he stay away from my closet as it’s a private space. I’ve sought some information on the topic, but haven’t found anything helpful. He’s otherwise a lovely, kind, athletic and intelligent boy.
Upset Mother
A: Your first instinct was correct – do not overreact. Many young teens are curious about the whole topic of sexuality and some youths experiment with wearing makeup, and trying on feminine clothes without ever becoming cross-dressers. So, while it’s worthwhile for you to research information, it’s important not to slap a label on his behaviour. Experts say that most cross-dressers are heterosexual and cross-dress only on a part-time basis, so don’t make assumptions about your son’s future lifestyle. If he sneaks clothes from your closet, use the opportunity to open up communication about sexuality in general.
So it seems on the surface that the mother is doing right by her son by not blowing up at him. However, she expresses anxiety as to whether this will ‘become’ a lifelong activity. This isn’t really a knock on the mother but I don’t like how she says “He’s otherwise a lovely, kind, athletic and intelligent boy” because this, in my view, implies that crossdressing is some kind of perverted / disgusting act.
The columnist replies by noting that experts say that most cross-dressers are hetero and part-time, but this is not going to help the family if this kid feels more than that. I think that Ellie (the writer) would have done better by the mom if she referred her to a helpful website or some good literature. In addition, why should the mom talk about sexuality with the child when she should be discussing his gender identity?
I don’t mean to rant on this at all, just some general observations that express how I feel about this advice. It’s almost as if Ellie is saying ‘hey, this is probably just a phase and don’t worry your son is probably not some gay fruit who wants to become a woman, but just in case you better ask if he’s attracted to guys or girls’.
Perhaps the mother should read my interview with my mom.
What do you think? Was this good advice or did Ellie strike out and possibly hurt the situation? I’d love to hear your take.
JessicaWhoHD
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
This is most likely anything but a passing phase.Adolescence is a tough time for everyone, and a 14 year old boy that dress up in his Moms clothes and write stories about it will have it even tougher. Now that its out in the open they might as well help him learn more about it, if not with a therapist at least through books and websites.The most important thing is to help him learn to love and accept himself no matter what, which is a lifelong process.
My parents thought my drinking in high school was a passing phase and it was, only it took 2 decades to pass.
I was bothered by mostly the same things. The response is a very mixed message. She points out that most crossdressers are heterosexual for instance, but then goes on to imply that she should open discussion on sexuality. So many people are blind to the divide between gender and sexuality. There are crossdressers running the range from straight to gay and transexual girls running the range from straight to lesbian.
You can’t assume someone’s sexuality based on gender or gender presentation, anymore than you can tell by their genetic sex. There’s this underlying tone to the author’s words, that seems to imply “there is being gay, and then being a crossdresser or transgender person just means you are really, really gay.
As for the Mom, I think her attitude is annoying. Its very clear that what little tolerance she has is subject to the condition that this is a temporary phase that is going to be outgrown. But then, I guess from the outside looking in, a lot of people would respond that way.
well i just bet that the mother wear pants!!! sorry.. but women are so hypocritical.. they wear whatever they want to and express themselves with or without make up and high heels… i hate this world.. it sucks and most of the people in it are so short-sighted and stupid.
thank you
helen
xxx
I agree with your assessments, Jessica. My mother would have tried to slap it out of me (and almost did on more than one occasion). Thanks for these posts, as well as your insights, sweetie.
A lot of the reply reads to me like soothing platitudes. There’s not enough… well… substance in there. On the positive side, the kid’s mum didn’t go off on one and Dad seems very relaxed about it.
A passing phase? If I had a quid (or a dollar) each time I read or heard that, I’d buy you all some very posh shoes
So he grows up to be a cross-dresser, there are worst things…
This is a normal response from many mothers twards their children. Mothers feel like they have done something wrong when their child cross-dresses. They have no idea this can be genetic and not some sort of mental or social imballance. My mother found my cloths when I was about 8 years old and didn’t make any real fuss over it.She did refer to me as her special child on one occasion.
How come wives or girl friends are not as tollerant as mothers. You love your children no matter what. We need to extend that umbrella of acceptance to cross- dressing children.
Wow….I’m honored that you have referenced me. Thank you. I, without a doubt, agree that the writer should have referred “mom” to some helpful literature or websites. God willing, she’ll be LUCKY and find yours! Muah!
I’m irritated by that response for the same reasons that you are. This was not advice to help a mother understand her son, it was advice to soothe a mother’s anxieties about her son being (as you so wonderfully put it) “some gay fruit who wants to become a woman.” The message that came across in the columnist’s response is that, inherently, his behavior is deplorable, but don’t worry, he seems like a good kid so it won’t last.
In my opinion, the correct response would be, “Does he know how to pluck his eyebrows? You should check, ’cause it’ll be real obvious if he doesn’t.”
My opinion is that the mother just needs to do some investigation and learning of what it means to be a cross dresser and the fact that for what ever reason we start, we normally do not stop. The mother and most of the world just need to be educated.
I was doing the same thing at age 14, and I’ve only now reached a phase where I’m passing. Ha, good one!
The writer is just comforting the parent with platitudes. It’s nice that she took a tolerant tack, but I don’t think she knows much on the subject. This mother will be asking the same questions again when her son is 18 and hitting the town in drag. She didn’t get many useful answers from the advice lady.
Ellie completely blew it in that she is holding out false “hope” when she said, “some youths experiment with wearing makeup, and trying on feminine clothes without ever becoming cross-dressers.”
Guess what, Ellie? He’s already a crossdresser.
And Ellie clearly implies that’s a bad thing.
The part that amazes me the most is that dad seems to accept it better than mom or Ellie. That’s a very curious role reversal if you ask me!
Interesting; the vast majority of the views expressed here suggest that the response from the writer and the mother are totally inadequate.
Regards the response I agree the writer could have been more helpful and taken the opportunity to have suggested some helpful websites, but I feel the response was generally aimed at comforting the mother. I would have aimed at opening some form of dialogue between mother/son and some of of discussion on the very wide subject of sexuality would go someway towards that.
The mother herself professes to be worried and stressed. That’s natural when encountering anything that different from the norm.
While most cross-dressers we all know tried clothes at his age, so the inclination is to think that no-one passes through the phase, I am sure there are plenty that don’t do it now, did experiment in their teens.
The mother has to tread carefully. Many boys that age are terribly embarrassed to talk about anything sexual, and just clam up at the thought of discussing their feelings.
But I do think it might help her to read up a little, ‘on better sites’ so that if he is prepared to talk about it, she doesn’t start off with all the wrong pre-conceptions. I think the writers response did go some way to correcting the very obvious ones, even if we would have liked to see something more positively helpful.
Hugs
TinaCortina x
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and reactions to this article, you have really made this a lively discussion.