While not a direct follow up to yesterday’s post, today’s entry is in the same vein. As I shared in that post, I am commemorating a full year of acceptance of my feminine side. As I reflected on my feelings and thought processes as they were before last September, I recalled a time when I refused to be categorized as a transgendered person, hence the title of this article.
Looking back, this was a matter that I chose to gloss over instead of actually taking time to learn more about what it means to be a trans person. Akin to a stubborn mule, I refused and denied to believe that I could potentially be TG.
An Ignorant Flower
Let’s face it — growing up trans can be nearly impossible for many of us. My case was no different, as I spent years trying to rationalize my urges to don the clothing reserved for women. During this era of discovery, I planted the seeds that would lead to a disfigured and grotesque flower of ignorance.
Am I gay? Am I a female trapped in the wrong body? Am I a pervert? These were three of the most common conversations that took place within my mind. As time marched on, I defended my tranny tendencies by vilifying homosexuality and transsexualism. To this kid, those people were weirdos, freaks of natures — the kind that you see on daytime talk shows making fools of themselves.
Little did I know, that disgusting flower hindered the growth of what should have been (and perhaps is now) a beautiful garden of self-love and approval. Additionally, the roots of this plant twisted and wrenched their way into my heart, causing a full blown hatred for gays and transsexuals.
Weed N Feed
Like many of my personal t-stories, the hero would end up to be my incredible wife. From the time we started dating, topics involving the GLBT community would arise from time to time, usually ending with me huffing and puffing like an immovable ogre.
As she embarked on several courses in gender studies, Rebecca would always say to me “I know you don’t like it, but you’re considered to be transgendered.” My reply would be along the lines of “That’s not me, that’s them.” I have no desire to transition, I just wanted to dress up from time to time. At worst, I had a split personality and at best, I was just an average guy who loved all fashion.
Yet again, she worked her magic and helped to remove that weed from my garden. I realized what an idiot I had been all those years, I was always transgendered but refused to admit it. I was one of those weirdos who suddenly didn’t seem strange at all. In fact, I now felt solidarity with a community that I had worked so hard to avoid in the first place.
The Birds Are Singing
In retrospect, my previous position was foolish. How could I deny something so blatantly obvious? I had no one to blame but myself, but was happy to have a weight lifted off my shoulders.
Needless to say this was one of the biggest steps I’ve made so far. I fully recognize the gender spectrum and was eager to discover my position along it. Furthermore, the hatred for all things gay or trans related transformed into a genuine love, respect and appreciation.
Although definition dictates otherwise, I fully respect the fact that not all cross-dressers consider themselves to be transgendered. However, many of us do and it is important to realize that regardless of our stage in life, whereabouts on the gender spectrum and ultimate goals, we are all united.
Que tu jardin sea maravillosamente florida
May your garden be marvelously full of flowers
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Awesome post Jessica! Self acceptance is such a huge thing and I’m still on that slow path myself.
Thank You, Jerica I’m glad that you liked it. Self-acceptance is one of the most difficult challenges that lies ahead of us, and even when you think you’ve “got it”, you stumble a bit. I certainly have days where I turn away from myself.
It took years for me to accept the same outcome you went through. I knew I was different and even sided with those who would say things about gays an transexuals just to throw people off my trail. My mother knew even when I was very young. How can so many mothers be so smart when it comes to their childrens real idenity. I still dont like to talk to people about it if they are very negative individuals and think of transexuals as wierd people. We are our own support group.
Excellent point about us being our own support group, because we can instantly relate to each other. Most of us have similar if not parallel stories. I think to a certain extent I made have developed a hatred to throw people off the course as well, good comment
Great post and a good point of view to ponder Jess. I suppressed for years what I am, though I held no discord for the people out there who were living thier lives the way that they wanted to. More envy than anything else, as I still struggle day to day for social acceptance in my male life. I see the hate that many of the public harbor towards anyting “different” and have always been disgusted by it. I never thought I’d ever have the strength to be who I was. I still wonder sometimes if I do at all. I still question my sexuality, I still question what I am, I know that my slump this summer has its triggers, and I also know I am no longer content just putting together clothes and makeup and hanging around the house hiding from my neighbors. I feel like I need to get out. I fear the public at the same time. My wife accepts me and spends more time in internet forums than I do. But I see that fear in her eyes whenever she sees me as Stephanie. I am transgendered though maybe a rambling one now.
Thank you, Stephanie. I can relate to the certain amount of envy when looking at girls living their lives according to how they feel. The hate is definitely repulsive, even when it is masked with humor. As for your questioning, don’t worry too much about it. This isn’t an easy road to travel, but I know you will get there soon. A supportive wife is a great blessing, mine is too and yet she also shows fear from time to time, it’s perfectly natural.
Being raised in the deep south, I always had a bad image of the lbgt community. I’m still not as open-minded as I should be but, as I started to take dressing up more seriously, I’ve met some wonderful people that I would’ve normally shunned.
Nore, it’s great that through crossdressing you are becoming a more tolerant and understanding individual. I am a firm believer that many of the haters out there are so vocal because they are insecure of themselves. Once labels are thrown out the window, you realize how many great people there truly are out in this world. Even if you don’t share ideologies, you can still be great friends. I have several examples of that in my own life. Thanks for being so open and honest in your comment
Nothing to add except: top post.
Wow, thanks so much Lynn, that really means a lot to me
*hugs*
Jessica, I also have to say two nice posts. Actually, I didn’t quite get it at first until I thought about it.
The denial, past purgings and trying to ignore it (it doesn’t go away, as you know) all pushed me into avoiding acceptance.
There have been some opportunities to meet and enjoy the company of other t-girls in the past that would seem to be the perfect catalyst towards my own personal acceptance. Not so successful……
Since my feelings would not subside and I still needed to dispose of my isolation, I worked hard to find the right group where I could find the souls that could allow Ellen to be really Ellen.
This year I did! My acceptance came with my acceptance by other people. Your journey seems to mirror that sentiment with the exception that you opened up to your own circle. I have not been able to (yet).
But I believe it is the outside acceptance that makes us feel “allright” with ourselves and giving us the path for self acceptance.
I do now and I want to thank Abby, Amanda, Danielle, Patti, Jenn, Jayne, need I go on? It was my friends that helped me and I am so much happier. You have no idea.
Ellen
Thanks, Ellen I appreciate that.
I am happy that your friends have been so instrumental in your personal growth.
Great Post.. I have to admit it took me almost 40 years to get to the point you are at. In accepting myself for who I am.
Thanks Misty, I am glad that you have arrived at personal acceptance.
something we ALL learn!
that denial is just a river in egypt lol
LOL, good one Barbie
Wow, you’ve come a long way in such a short time, in my opinion that is. I think it’s important that we maintain the legitimacy of our feelings when we were younger. We were less mature, less educated, and had yet to experience the fullness of finding comfort within our own skin. For crossdressers, clothing and persona might be enough. For someone like me, I hurt until my outside always matched my insides.
One of your more thoughtful and yes, literary posts.
Thanks Lori for your kind words and great input
Right on, sister! I appreciate the struggle it takes to overcome the fear of being like “those people.” As a TG who’s also bi, I can relate to the years of rationalization, fear of discovery, and phobic distance you describe. I still fear sounding like a Jerry Springer guest, but coming out to someone is huge weight lifted off my back, as you say. Thanks for sharing your story, Jessica.
Mira
I’m glad that you were able to come out to someone and have it make a positive impact on your life. Thanks for commenting
I met a transgendered person once, when I was around 13. She scared the hell out of me! She kept saying things like, “You know this whole life of yours is a lie…” and “You’re never going to be happy until you admit who you are…”
“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!” I screamed, and dumped a whole truckload of cement onto her, having to repeat the proceedure every so often as she popped back up. Funny though, I was comfortable enough identifying as a gay male, though I couldn’t figure out why the thinking of other gay men seemed so alien to me. I got kicked out of a number of gay bars in my 20′s for going ballistic on guys who made mysogynistic remarks about women. I told myself this was because I was a feminist and a liberal and wouldn’t want to see ANYONE put down like that. Well this was true, but what was more true and I wouldn’t admit for a long time was that I took these things personal, because I was a woman inside.
I’m way on the TS side of the transgender spectrum, but wasted 50 years of my life in denial, and hating my body made me abuse it, to a point where I’m too physically decrepit to transition or even to want to dress up pretty. Denial is a tragedy, and it makes my heart glad that the new generation of transsexuals, CD’s, transgendered people of all sorts seem less plagued by guilt and repression, more easily accepting of who and what they are.
~~~hugs, Laika
Laika, I am sorry to hear about your struggles. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us.
Thank you for this very frank article. The questions that you fought with were part of what prevented me from accepting my cross-dressing for too many years.
I never had an anti-trans stance whether in public or in private, but much of what I saw about “trannies” was from OTT drag-queens who seem to be in it for the sexual thrill – and that has never been my case.
Like you, at first, I thought of myself as a man who likes to wear women’s clothes, but soon realised that there is more to me than that.
I still don’t really know where I am on the gender spectrum, but now view myself as being on a journey to discover my transgendered self.