I never had an anti-trans stance whether in public or in private, but much of what I saw about “trannies” was from OTT drag-queens who seem to be in it for the sexual thrill – and that has never been my case.

Like you, at first, I thought of myself as a man who likes to wear women’s clothes, but soon realised that there is more to me than that.

I still don’t really know where I am on the gender spectrum, but now view myself as being on a journey to discover my transgendered self.

Jessica’s article over at Jessica Who? really touched on something I also struggled with for many years. Similar to Jessica’s experience, I used to wonder if I was a gay, bi or a pervert. I was tormented by thinking there was something wrong with m…

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!” I screamed, and dumped a whole truckload of cement onto her, having to repeat the proceedure every so often as she popped back up. Funny though, I was comfortable enough identifying as a gay male, though I couldn’t figure out why the thinking of other gay men seemed so alien to me. I got kicked out of a number of gay bars in my 20′s for going ballistic on guys who made mysogynistic remarks about women. I told myself this was because I was a feminist and a liberal and wouldn’t want to see ANYONE put down like that. Well this was true, but what was more true and I wouldn’t admit for a long time was that I took these things personal, because I was a woman inside.

I’m way on the TS side of the transgender spectrum, but wasted 50 years of my life in denial, and hating my body made me abuse it, to a point where I’m too physically decrepit to transition or even to want to dress up pretty. Denial is a tragedy, and it makes my heart glad that the new generation of transsexuals, CD’s, transgendered people of all sorts seem less plagued by guilt and repression, more easily accepting of who and what they are.
~~~hugs, Laika

Mira

One of your more thoughtful and yes, literary posts.

that denial is just a river in egypt lol

I am happy that your friends have been so instrumental in your personal growth.

The denial, past purgings and trying to ignore it (it doesn’t go away, as you know) all pushed me into avoiding acceptance.

There have been some opportunities to meet and enjoy the company of other t-girls in the past that would seem to be the perfect catalyst towards my own personal acceptance. Not so successful……

Since my feelings would not subside and I still needed to dispose of my isolation, I worked hard to find the right group where I could find the souls that could allow Ellen to be really Ellen.

This year I did! My acceptance came with my acceptance by other people. Your journey seems to mirror that sentiment with the exception that you opened up to your own circle. I have not been able to (yet).

But I believe it is the outside acceptance that makes us feel “allright” with ourselves and giving us the path for self acceptance.

I do now and I want to thank Abby, Amanda, Danielle, Patti, Jenn, Jayne, need I go on? It was my friends that helped me and I am so much happier. You have no idea.

Ellen