- Jessica

There is no doubt sports seem to bring out the macho, sexist and homophobic behaviour in males. As Kathy said it often escalates as the Bulls try to jockey for alpha male status. Great line Kathy about being ready to put up with the bullshit!

As Seleena said we can only control our own reaction. It is not always easy but choosing not be offended can be very powerful.

I think context is important. In an all male group you may be able to sense that it is just banter and one upmanship and it is probably best just to ignore it. A half time lecture is unlikely to change anything or win any friends!

There is a serious side to this though. We have seen in Australia a number of “off field incidents” involving football players and sexual assault. If a sexist culture that is degrading to women is allowed to flourish it can be a dangerous thing.

If the talk gets around to being violent towards women by all means I would encourage all men (Sissy or not) to speak up and say something along the lines of “real men don’t hit women” or “How would you feel if that happened to your sister”.

If this talk is going on in front of women ,acknowledging that there is a woman present and asking the perpetuator to mind his language, I think would also be appropriate.

If the talk is homophobic a comment that research has found that those who bash gays are often in denial about their own sexuality may also shut them up!

Hugs

Sissy Karen

Generally, when a wannabe alpha-dog makes these comments, I just shake my head and call them a Neanderthal or equivalent (sometimes just a##hole). Confidence-wise, I can usually take anyone in the room. Plus I have a hot wife who will really get in someone’s grill when sexist or insensitive remarks are made. A correction from me is usually the lesser evil of the two of us.

I like sports (baseball rather than football, but living in SF Bay Area, we don’t have much to boast about with either the 49ers or the Raiders). So I enjoy sports and can enjoy myself around the guys. Last Friday, I went out with my wife and five of her fashion designer friends to a fashion show and drinks afterwards. This was feminine nirvana. We talked fashion and apparel all night long. I was one of the girls and they loved it and were very envious of my wife having an understanding and supportive husband. Once we got home we changed into our favorite nighties and enjoyed intimate time together.

The next day we both cheered on Stanford handing USC their worse home loss ever. (EVER!) My point is that we have an opportunity here to build for ourselves an incredibly rich life — and thoroughly enjoy both the male and female roles. I am very fortunate to have married an incredibly talented and understanding woman. She would kick me out of the bedroom if I ever tried going to bed in a cotton t-shirt. She gets it and has encouraged me to express who I truly am, not playing a role or games. She says she was attracted to both my confidence and compassion. These are traits I have worked hard to develop no matter whether I am dressed in a suit or an evening gown.

If someone was in my own home and made comments like that, I ask her/him to stop. If s/he doesn’t, I would ask them to leave. It’s my home and I have the right to determine the standards of acceptable behavior. If I was out in public or at someone else’s home and someone makes a remark like that, I would tell her/him that I don’t think that kind of behavior is acceptable. If it continues, I would leave.

I refuse to be complicit in or indicate my acceptance or even tolerance of such remarks. Frankly, I don’t want friends who think or believe that way, or who are simply too clueless to think about the impact of their words on the world around them. Words do hurt, despite the old nursery rhyme.

Men will always be men, and that means having to be ultra macho the whole time. I have to say that even the non sporty geeks I know do this, thy just change the rules slightly.

It really bothers me when it gets crass or personal though. The worst I have had in a long time was at the Assen TT this year. On two occasions over the weekend there were large crowds yelling at single girls “Daar moet een peimel in” and “Beir en Tieten Hurrar hurrar” (I’m sure if you use your imaganation you can guess what the dutch means). Worse my brother in law, who was there with me, couldn’t see the problem as it was all done in good spirits, they don’t mean anything by it… Hundreds of guys yelling that is not something I can see as being acceptabe ever…

# “I would so f**k her”

Is that really that bad? I can sometimes say “I would so f**k him” about some random guy, if surrounded by friends. It’s an expression of desire, I guess. It’s a little crude, but I suppose desire isn’t always dignified. No?

Personally, Jessica, I don’t let comments like that bother me. I’ve learned long ago that they’re just talk. There usually isn’t any hate associated with them and even the most non-judgemental guy is guilty of comments like that when in groups.

I think you have a choice. If you enjoy your friends, shug it off. Their comments are not going to change or hurt the world.

If it really bothers you, it’s time to graciously and quietly move on to new friends without addressing your reasons. There’s nothing you can say to stop these meaningless comments or justify your feelings rgarding them. And a tantrum will only make you look bad in their eyes.

But be careful. Friendship is important and should never tossed aside without good reason.

We expect tolerance from others .. time to be tolerant of them. They’re not axe murderers! They’re just guys.

Bulls do this in the pasture. The winner gets to bang all the cows so the competition gets pretty stiff – - pardon the pun. It is all due to the accident of birth. It’s the same deal that left you and I in the situation we find ourselves dealing with. Wanna be fems. Ladylike and all that.

It’s a bummer, but, if you wanna hang with the bulls in the pasture you gotta be ready to hear the bullshit!

It bothers me too. It always has. In high school, I had no choice. I was a target in school already, so I can only imagine if I gave those guys some “lip.” I had hardly any friends in high school. I had many more friends in college (and beyond), but they were almost all female. Why?

I can’t stand the way men talk about women. I can’t stand the whole “macho this,” “alpha-male that.” I don’t hate men, mind you (there are many militant lesbians who do), but that kind of attitude just irks me to no end. I wouldn’t want to be friends with those who view women and LGBT folk that way.

That’s just me, though.