About two weeks ago I was on a fantastic dinner date with my wife, we were celebrating a recent work-related achievement of mine and decided to have a fun evening of food & shopping. As we waited patiently in our booth, seated across from each other and having a casual conversation, our waitress approached us — from behind me.
Just before she arrived at our table, she bellowed out a “Hey ladies!” and then a “how are you” of sorts (can’t quite remember what it was exactly). Immediately upon looking at my face hers became red with embarrassment and she quickly corrected herself while simultaneously begging for my forgiveness. Why did she assume that we were two ladies preparing ourselves for a hearty meal?
If you guessed that the waitress spotted my bra through my clothing (a great guess) — well you’d be wrong 
. Our server’s mistake was brought about by the length and volume of my hair, which I’ve been letting grow for a little over a year now. I was also wearing a snug-fitting hoodie with stripes. It’s a men’s piece but could pass as androgynous.
Like I said above, she was incredibly apologetic, even after we kept telling her that it was okay, no problem at all. Nevertheless, she made her best effort to call me a guy every chance she got and she even offered to take a punch from me — whoa! Of course I declined and repeated over and over that it was no big deal.
Butterflies or Indifference?
Right after this happened, my wife and I were on the same page. I was pondering the significance of being called a lady and starting mapping out a blog post about it and a moment later Rebecca says to me, “you should blog about this”. We started discussing what I was thinking and what I would go on to write about.
For pretty much all mtf trans people and a large portion of mtf crossdressers, being called a lady is an enormous pick-me-up and on par with receiving a fabulous gift. Being recognized as female (or not) can make (or break) a day and through various sources I understand — at least on some level — the meaning.
So, how did I react to this? I do have to say that it was kind of cool though it was nothing too special for me. In the past, I probably would have felt shame or even anger in reaction to being called female but due to the progress that I’ve been able to make I am no longer affected in this way. This marked the first time I’ve ever been acknowledged as such — even if it was just for a second — and it did bring a smile to my face.
We chuckled about it later, my wife and I, but at this time in my life I really don’t care too much about this. To this day, I still haven’t been out and about among people in public so I don’t know how I would respond in that type of situation, but I would venture to say that it still wouldn’t have a great effect on me. However, I won’t know until the time comes — if it ever does.
photo credit: andybrannan
JessicaWhoHD
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
many over do the sir thing when it is obvious that is not how you are presenting! Perhaps some of it is an easy stab at someone they find uncomfortable with or to try and put us in our place with embarrassment. Perhaps they are just confused! This new hyper civility without sincerity just grates.
Caroline xxx
Yea, some people can be extremely rude.
That’s awesome girl hehe. I’m glad you can take that in stride.
There was definitely a time where I would get angry and embarrassed when people mistook me for a girl but obviously that is not the case anymore! hehe.
My ex-wife was very uncomfortable when waitresses began addressing us as “ladies” and asking if we were seperate checks. She got used to it after a while though.
Thanks Jerica. Yea, a few years ago I probably would have been upset and during my teenage years full-blown embarrassed/hostile.
When I had long hair, that happened to me pretty often, and it was always flattering. Unfortunately, my hair is very hard to keep healthy when it is long, so I have cut it since then. Although, even with my short hair and tons of male cues, my wife and I got a “how are you ladies this evening?” at a restaurant the other night. I’m not sure how I telegraphed female; I even had two days of facial hair growth at the time! I assume something in my posture or bearing coded female, and that the woman was looking primarily at my wife at the time.
Whatever the cause, it felt pretty nice.
I’m sorry to hear about your hair situation, anna
… but I’m glad that you got some validation by being called a lady
If I ever got to the place where I could even barely pass, I would
enjoy being called a lady. I don’t think it will ever happen though.
Not at age 88!
Never say never, Warren. If you work on your appearance, you may surprise yourself
You’ll get it more the longer you let your hair grow.
When I chose to grow my hair I was prepared for the possibility, but at the same time it comes a little more often than I’d have expected. In my experience it’s just the hair, the clothes really don’t have to complement it at all.
But you’d have thought that these days people wouldn’t assume gender based solely on hair length; with the prevalence of men wearing it long and women wearing it short.
Yea, that’s so true! And it’s not like guys having long hair is anything new lol
You seem to have a very accepting and supportive wife. Have you ever broached the subject of going out to dinner sometime as two girls? It would probably be a lot of fun for the two of you.
Melissa XX
Yes I do
We haven’t discussed that, but we do go out for drives
I have curley redish blonde hair and it looks great when its long , its a color most women would love to have.. My wife doesnt go for the femine look in my hair and constantly wants me to cut it shorter. I wear a wig when out and dressed. I only wish a waitress would mistake me for a girl. it would make my day.
Well, for your sake I hope it happens to you Leslee
Thank you for the continuing opportunity to watch you evolve, Jessica. Your outlook is fresh and sweet but your story and feelings are anything but unique. You’re walking the path that so many have walked before you .. but sharing the journey with us is very cool.
“until the time comes — if it ever does.”? We all know know the answer to that and so do you!
Keep smiling .. keep sharing.
Seleena
Aw, thanks Seleena for the sweet comments
Enjoyed reading your story. Glad that you have an understanding wife and that ya’ll laughed about a simple mistake.
If and/or when you go out dressed up, just remember this night and you will have even more confidence that you will pass. When I go out all dressed up, I still love hearing when someone calls me “maam” or with my wife, “ladies. Enjoy life, it is already to short. =)
I’m happy that you enjoyed it.
“Enjoy life, it is already to short. =)”
I second that!