Last weekend I got to dress up for the first time since October. Let’s all take a deep breath as we contemplate just how long ago that was — almost FIVE full months! Oh, the humanity! Well, to be honest, it had been rather difficult on me. Especially since my time dressed up in October was over three months after the previous session.
Essentially, I have dressed up as Jessica only twice in the past nine months. Why the ridiculously low frequency? Well, to be honest there have been several factors limiting my dressing windows but a lot of the blame falls squarely on me. My extreme laziness has been a huge barrier, and I need to reverse this trend because I am certainly not happy with it.
HOWEVER!! This is not what I am posting about today. I have already started making mental notes and changes because I plan to dress up with a greater frequency from here on out. I hope that I succeed in this.
The real topic of today’s article is one that came to me almost 24 hours after I had dressed up as Jessica. My wife and I were on our way to a fancy dinner together after church. Both of us were adorned in our favorite and most fancy outfits and during the journey to the restaurant I had a moment of euphoria.
Equilibrium
What I realized is that genderwise I felt truly happy, which is something that doesn’t happen that often. The night before I robed myself in a fancy woman’s outfit, complete with makeup and wig and this evening (the next day), my outfit was of the male persuasion and dang it, that felt good.
A balance had been achieved, both sides of my gender identity had been cared for and I was reaping the immense emotional benefits. I would love it if I experienced this more often, because it is so amazing. I am happy with both sides of my gender and feel comfortable identifying in the middle.
For my entire life I have tended to shift too far to either extreme (usually the male) but when I end up in the center, I feel great about myself. Have you found your perfect gender balance? If so, please share, I would love to read your thoughts and feelings. Thanks for reading 
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photo credit: woody1778a
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That balance is very elusive – I am still searching. But I understand what you’re saying. My spouse feels that a balance of “the man she married” and “her girl friend Julie” would be OK, but it has to be a balance. I went VERY overboard about 9 years ago. We had just moved into our own place, total privacy, and I spend most of my time at home en femme. She let me know after about 3 months that she wanted balance – and I totally understood. The quest continues, the goal being a well balanced me!
Well, good luck in your quest. I’m not sure how long I’ll feel this way, but both my wife and I know that I must attend to this side of me to have a chance at internal balance.
I think ‘equilibrium’ is a good place to be. The load is switched off for a while and it’s good just to be, rather than be fretting over what could be.
Enjoy!
Very well said, thanks Lynn I appreciate it
Maybe I’m especially sensitive to things like this because I’ve been trapped in my male persona since the end of January, but I can’t stand menswear anymore, and the thought of having to attend a function in a suit (or, Gods forbid, a tux) makes my skin crawl.
Sorry, no balance here. There was a time when I felt that way, but I’m not in that place now.
“…the thought of having to attend a function in a suit (or, Gods forbid, a tux) makes my skin crawl.”
I hear ya. I’ve never been at all fond of either thing myself, and have so far only worn one of them (the first), and then only once. I just hate the drabness and conformity of both things (the second in particular), and equally deplore the way both still seem to be regarded as the only options a man has when he wants to “dress up”.
Anyway, on the subject of the OP, I feel I reached my own gender balance a long time ago. Short of a few occasions when I’ve dressed as a woman for a fancy dress party, I’ve always presented as a male when cross-dressed. It probably helps that I’ve got a baby face and slim, girlish build – both things, I feel, help me look good in female (or simply feminine) clothing even when I’m not trying to present as a woman. My own CDing has always occupied a bit of a grey area anyway, in that I’ll often wear an outfit that comprises mostly male stuff, with an item or two of female apparel thrown in; or wear feminine-looking stuff that I’ve had made specifically for myself (so you can debate whether it’s really “women’s” clothing anyway). It’s probably just as much about dandyism as it is CDing.
I agree with the OP that keeping a balance is important, although for me it has to be the right kind of balance. More a case of mixing the masculine and feminine while still allowing each to retain its distinctive identity, character and power, rather than letting the two effectively cancel each other out. The second approach, I fear, leads to one becoming just another “nice guy”: the sort of person who’s likable enough, but also a bit bland. I’ve also found that on the occasions I’ve allowed myself to become that kind of person myself (and I swear that my mother, bless her, still hopes that it’s what I really am, deep down), others will often try to convince me that I don’t really “need” to cross-dress anymore: something I never fail to find incredibly patronizing.
Jaye, I can definitely understand how you’re feeling. Thank you for sharing, we must all do what is right for ourselves.
great insight! I’ve been dressing since I was 11, and I’m 35 now. Wife loves ashley (I do to, now). Acceptance is the first key, right? we’re all so ashamed at first, and I dressed maybe once a year and wore panties, etc. 2-3 times a month. But about 6 months ago, I said **** it, if my wife wants more, so do I!!! Boom! Now, 2-3 times a week I get to dress and the rest of the week, it’s like the pressure cooker is off, I feel great. not always happy to be a guy, but a lot of times I am! I know exactly what you mean! -Ashley
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
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