In accordance with my new self-imposed schedule, I had planned to dress up this past Saturday and film a couple of videos. The opportunity was there, but I just wasn’t in the mood, so I postponed it to next weekend. Instead, I spent the eevening with Rebecca watching our shows and a movie, it was really nice.
There has been something that I’ve wanted to write about from my last time en femme, though and since I have nothing else new to add to the journal, I’ll go ahead and blog about it today. The subject is a much-debated one in the TG world, centering around the question of whether or not we are coercing our wives and girlfriends into being lesbians.
Gender & Sexuality
I am well aware of the separation of gender and sexuality, and while my gender is fluid, my sexuality is not — even in “girl mode” I have always been attracted to females. According to the definition, sure, that makes me a lesbian. Well, at least sometimes 
.
Before the September of 2008, my wife had only seen my fully en femme once (in 2004) so there was no way of predicting how she would react to seeing me as Jessica for real. To an outsider, this may seem strange, but because of the lengths I go to in my feminine appearance, there is a stark contrast between both of my gender presentations. Because of this, I knew that there existed the possibility of Rebecca having mixed emotions.
Yes, my wife did have some issues to sort out. At first, she would look at me funny, keep her distance and do other things that would clue me in that she was at least a little uncomfortable around Jessica. Of course, this was fine by me, and I did my best to be patient with her while also constantly tending to her feelings. She laid down some ground rules, like no kissing or even hand holding while I was dressed as a woman.
From my standpoint, I want my wife to find me beautiful and see me as the same person no matter my appearance, but I respect her hesitance and would never make her do anything she wasn’t completely agreeable to. I realize that she was probably struggling internally with thinking herself a lesbian if she ever found me sexy as Jessica.
A Change in Policy?
Recently, though, it appears that Rebecca’s feelings have shifted a little bit as she has been more open to telling me that I am pretty and even lets me give her kisses on the cheek now and again. Even better (for me) is that last time I was dressed up, she gave me “the eyes” and for the first time I truly felt like me wife was attracted to me while I was crossdressing.
Of course, I know that I must tread lightly and let things take their course. No matter what, Rebecca’s feelings come first. I know that this can be a very volatile issue, but for now I feel great that my lovely wife loves me for me.
photo credit: Gretchen Niakit
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I think a major shift for me was when my partner started to see me fully as a woman and as an attractive woman (for disclosure to anyone who reads this, I’m transsexual).
That is wonderful, I am very happy for you
One thing I learned the hard way – don’t press it. My spouse went from totally accepting to “get rid of all that junk” in a matter of 2 years, and I believe it was due to my trying to force Julie into her life on a daily basis. She didn’t marry Julie, and it finally came to a head. It has been 3 years now since that incident, and things have settled down some. She still wants no part of Julie, but seems to be more allowing of me having “girly time” when she isn’t around. I would love to have the “old her” back again – I know now what NOT to do!
Peace
Julie Michelle
Thanks Julie, we are stronger as a community when we share our experiences and learn from each other. Personally, I hope things turn around and go back to how you had them, all the best darling.
Great blog topic. I agree with your tact of taking things as they come – - not being pushy with your bride about “being” with Jessica. My lovely bride, of 35 years, has tried several times to let me wear panties or a pretty cami when it was time to have some fun, but, alas, she has always ended up being mortified before we could get too far into love-making. I guess I can assume from this that she, for sure, is not a lesbian. At least she gave it a go. Gob bless her for trying.
Stay the course Jessica – - you will reap the benefits down the road.
Kathy
I appreciate the sound advice, Kathy. For sure I will let my wife have her space, at least we work on the videos together and share tons of laughter
— anything else is bonus for me.
Well, here’s the thing, I thought I was a lesbian too until around April 2008 when I dated this one FTM guy named Willow. He was a cutie and I thought the relationship could work, then he broke up with me 3 days later and life went on. I shook that off as an anomaly and thought “okay, I’m a lesbian” and had two other lesbian relationships (one ended amicably, one ended badly) before I met Dominic in December 2008. He was another FTM guy in Florida and that was pretty much the turning point for my sexuality. While I had a very fulfilling relationship with two other women (Mariah and Samara), I kept reverting back to men and that’s where my desires lay.
So, I can’t say. I think that it takes a long time living full time and feeling comfortable in your female persona before you know for sure. I know some people that have been through transition for a much longer time period and have remained lesbian and some that thought they would be lesbian initially but turned straight. I guess it’s just the evolution of your female identity.
Several years ago I admitted to another tgirl friend that I felt I was a lesbian. Even when dressed I flirted with men but I felt no attraction to them at that time. I was attracted to women. I wasnt sure if this was my comfort zone or what. Now when a crossdresser looks sexy Im attracted to them also if Im dressed as a man or women. Is this just me or are there more of us out there.
I’m sure there are plenty out there like that. I know when I see an attractive crossdresser, I can admit they’re hot or whatever but not actually be attracted to them, if that makes any sense.
In other words, my sexuality is grounded and I’m not scared to admit ANY person is good looking, trans or not.
I agree, one must take it slowly and be honest. My first wife couldn’t handle my dressing, after it was brought to light. My second wife says it is a part of me, it helps make me who I am. I don’t feel any different towards her when I am fully dressed or not. She may feel different though, she says she isn’t sexually attracted to me when I’m dressed. She looks upon me as more of a girlfriend, than lover. My times of dressing are not that often, 2-3 times a month. We’d spend the evening or weekend as girlfriends, do a little shopping or catch a movie. She does help me with my make-up, as a girlfriend would, she says. My advice is….take it slow, don’t push and maybe the benefits will be there.
Yea, it’s funny because we are looking out of the same eyes but to others we can seem like a totally different person. Gracias for the advice
Very interesting topic Jessica. As a GG I feel like I am going down the road that Julie Shaw’s spouse did. I have been very accepting and encouraging. We have had fun together while my SO is dressed, fully and partially. I have purchased women’s clothing as gifts to show my acceptance. Lately though I feel tired with it, I have lost the fun. Every time I see my SO he is at least partially dressed in women’s clothes. I want my time with my “guy”. I am attracted to men, in men’s clothes. We have talked about it, but have yet to get totally back on the same page. I am trying to back off and let him have his time dressed alone. But I am still waiting/wanting my time with him dressed as a guy, and not have him unhappy about it. I think he thinks I am now unaccepting, but I am not, just trying to find the right mix so it can be fun (for me) again.
I was suppressed cross dresser from 7 yrs old to 55 from child hood to a marriage that even when i brought up the subject it was forbidden. So as usual i buried it. She died of diabetic complications and even though i grieved I felt the liberation and started on my shopping sprees. Soon I found a GG woman who on the first date I told her i was a cross dresser. she said she was accepting of that. In fact later that night she asked to put blue eyeshadow on me. I lept at the the thought and my mind was like fireworks finally a GG woman who likes me for me. We did have very good sex that night. Sexually she taught me alot…. Anyway,
over our 3 years together i would bring it up, and she would make fun as we were shopping once we were at good will and she said, Go find 3 of the hottest outfits you would like to wear for me. I ran up and down the isle, I took them to a changing booth and she came in. She watched me put them on , and there was no emotion in her eyes, on her face, she was just watching, She did see my maleness growing. Soon because of her non interaction i put them all in a cart and we left. It was never mentioned again. She left me this last valentines day after being with me all day , loving me as male , he dau was ransacking my house.
she was so hurt by my xdressing (when she was away) she said she could not be with me as male or cd anymore
We still talk, and are working things through. but I am not going to shut my self off again. in fact I am going to Esprit in May .
Robyn
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