My wife and I have just recently gotten into the series, “United States of Tara”, starring Toni Collette as a wife and mother who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), more commonly known as Split Personality. In the show, she has her own personality but frequently transitions to her other personalities, known as alters — a southern male chauvanist, a 50s era housewife, a 16 year old rebellious teenager and an animalistic whatchamacallit.
While watching this show, my memories of thinking that I had a split personality resurfaced and I figured this would make an interesting topic to explore in a blog post. There was a time that I was nearly 100% convinced that my male-self and Jessica were two completely separate entities occupying one single body. And for a while, perhaps the sheer convenience of not having to really explore my feelings, I ran with this notion, until the day I got a sobering wake-up call.
Two Different People?
I clearly didn’t understand the depth and significance of my transness and using the whole split-personality was basically a cop out. Instead of sitting down and finally getting to the bottom of things, I was creating something that wasn’t there. However, to make this lame theory seem more plausible to both myself and Rebecca, I would down a few adult beverages (not proud of this) in order to get myself in the right frame of mind to transition to Jessica’s “personality”, much like Tara does on the show.
The thing is, and I discovered this later, I was very much the same person, albeit a bit more tipsy than usual. However, one key distinction was that the hesitance to embrace my femme self melted away. I’m not (and never have been) a drinker, so this was also a big limiting factor of my dressing sessions. I’m thankful for this because otherwise I may have been setting myself up for the early stages of alcoholism.
One night, after one too many, I found myself in the shower feeling just awful. My stomach was turning, my head was spinning and my emotions were out of control. I couldn’t believe that I was downing liquor just to express my gender and right then and there I knew that I had to put a stop to it.
I sat down with my wife and explained my revelation and this was yet another step on my path to self-acceptance.
Do Cross-Dressers / Transvestites Suffer From DID?
The big question is whether or not men who don women’s clothing from time to time suffer from this condition. I’m no expert, but I do know that DID isn’t a popular diagnosis and is often thought to be completely invalid as a mental disease. For a moment, though, let’s assume (for the sake of argument) that DID (Split Personality) is a very real affliction.
It is true that many crossdressers act much differently while en femme than while en homme, and for many the whole process includes a significant transition period. This window of time usually includes rituals like body hair removal, make-up and the actual dressing. For some, there is a shift in thinking that happens during these traditions. The “man” fades to the background, stepping aside for the female to come out and play.
I’ve even heard of cross-dressers who feel a sexual revolution while dressed in drag, presenting even more evidence that would support the case for DID. A transition, whether real, perceived or contrived does occur for some or perhaps all transgendered people — many find their true identities while others return to their everyday characters.
Let’s forget for a moment that “United States of Tara” is fiction and look at what happens to her in a typical personality switch. Tara finds herself in a stressful situation and begins to have convulsions of some kind. Seconds later, she is a completely different person. The alters all know each other but are convinced that they are all individuals. They couldn’t be more different from each other yet they all occupy the same physical body.
I know for a fact that nothing of this sort ever happened to me, but has it happened to you? Have you ever experienced a transition like this? As I said, I’m no expert, but I would venture to say that the majority of crossdressers do not, in fact, suffer from DID. Even so, I do believe that the possibility for this exists, though if it were a “by the book” case we would assume that only one of the alters would be a crossdresser or maybe even a genetic woman.
If this all sounds confusing, don’t worry, I feel the same way. I would be very interested to hear your opinions and experiences surrounding the idea of multiple personalities. The scope of this is beyond my blog, but I thought it would be nice to briefly touch upon this fascinating subject.
JessicaWhoHD
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Interesting post Jess!
I have heard it said that men are 49% female and women are 51% female. I think I am just more in touch with my femme side. I do not think my personality changes, it is just the feminine side comes more to the surface when I am dressed en femme. I don’t want to think it is a disorder!
Hugs
sissy karen
Interesting, do crossdressers suffer from DID? It has made me think about that. My wife and I will play “girlfriends” whenever I dress, not husband and wife, not even lovers (she doesn’t care to participate in a so-called lesbian foray), just girlfriends. I know my mannerisms are far more feminine when dresseed and I tend to look at things from a more womanly perspective (show my emotions more). I feel my dressing opens up the world to me in ways that is not there when en homme.Do I think differently? Certainly! Am I a different person? Probably, somewhat different. Do I have a different personality? Maybe a bit more emotional, but thats about it.
Though my wife has said several times to me, that, since I dress a bit more often and not feeling the stress of dressing and getting caught, I am more relaxed and tend to look at things differently. She says it has made me softer, not so quick to judge, to listen to others before “flying off the handle”. All in all, a better person. A split personality? No, just a better personality.
Nice, thought provoking post Jessica,
I am glad to hear that drink is no longer used as your license to dress. I suspect this is a common behavior, having leaned on that crutch myself long in the past.
As to personality, I have been happy to see over the years that there is no different “me” beneath the wigs, padding and etc… There is simply a fuller me.
The trick, for me, is conveying those parts of me revealed better en femme back into the other hours in my days.
Reading this post makes me think that if we have access to our full personality spectrum, we face a lower likelihood of the sorts of personality disorders and discomforts that Toni Collette is suffering an acute form of.
Thanks!
I’ve been pretty close with a couple different people who have DID/MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder is a more internationally accepted term; Dissociative Identity Disorder is primarily used in the United States, and only here since the DSM-IV), and I’d like to point out a couple of things. Now, obviously, this is limited to my experience; some study on the issue revealed that MPD can present very differently from one person to the next. That said, these comments should all be qualified with ‘in my limited experience’
1. When someone with MPD switches from one alter to another, there are not usually any sort of ‘convulsions’. I can see how a TV series might use that as a visual indicator, but in the real-life cases I’ve known, the change is very sudden and gives no visual warning (other than, often, a change in facial expression). This suddenness can actually be disorienting (to me) sometimes, especially if I’m in the middle of a conversation with one person, and suddenly someone else is there instead.
2. Based on my observations, MPD doesn’t seem similar to being transgendered. Even when an alter’s gender doesn’t match the gender of the person’s physical body, they tend to express genuine bewilderment about the situation, rather than the cognitive dissonance that I experience. I don’t know how similar MPD is to the psychological experience of non-trans crossdressers, but my suspicion is that it is a very different thing.
You have some excellent insight into what you are going through. I think all cross dressers go through different stages in their mental patterns as they become more comfortable with their female self. At first one thinks I need to do this now but than we take another look and slow down a bit and look at the entire picture.
I do know of a womwn who was having DID from going through female menapause. In this case it was a hormone change and she could talk to and see other people. These are classic skitzophrenia symptoms.
I enjoy reading how other people are coping with their sexuality as it gives me better insight into what is happening to myself.
As I said in another post, I am the same person en femme as en homme.
That is why I use only one name. Warren
i’d like to believe its a split personality, ill convince myself 110 percent that it is, but an hour or so later, all i think in my head is that its utter bulls**t, in the long run ive got my reason on why it would make a good excuse, but in the long run, i had a horrible high school life, nothing to do with this at all i was just weird, and went to multiple school, and yes i have had to adapt to alot of different situations, but i digress, i cant be isolated like i was in high school, ive never been so depressed as i was in school, and i cant go back to that, so i will defend it as a split personality if anyone ever figures anything out, ever
here’s a spin on your take… we’re multiple, meaning we have multiple personalities – NOT alters – and we have a functioning system, one that lets us appear normal in daily life. After reading about bigendered people, we realized we could use that as an excuse to act ourselves, without being seen as ‘crazy’.
john thinks there’s a link between gender and multiplicity, not sure what it means but it’s interesting!
Just my two cents worth…
I am five months into my new gender identity; a male who when dressed in panties becomes a more understanding, empathetic, peaceful, emotional and kinder person. Initially when I put panties on my male ego raged at what an asshole I had become. It was a war of words in my mind, but the softer female, Jazmine won out. She basically quieted Joe with pink panties, shaved under arms and thighs and lip balm applications. Every chance Joe’s ego had he took advantage of the situation with a vengeance. In typical male situations, where he would prevail, fixing something around the house, he would verbally attack and try to demean me, my self. Jazmine would softly talk to him and reason that this was for the best. If he persisted with the abuse, Jazmine would, at her first opportunity, get in front of a mirror in her panties and do whatever it took, usually shaving her under arms, to deflate this male ego. Over time the ugly aspects of Joe’s maleness, temper, foul language, etc diminished, he no longer tried to persist. Now in a hardware store or women’s clothing department, they both enjoy the shopping in peace.
Joe has mellowed to the extent that Jazmine just has to be in panties, and she is 24/7. She no longer shaves her under arms but does occasionally shave her thighs. She is accepted by my wife to the extent that I can walk around the house in panties only. Jazmine does however do the dishes, make the bed and vacuum, all of which have contributed to Joe’s ego adjustment. My wife also accepts Jazmine in the bedroom after she has had a lusty session with Joe. My wife has accepted that to complete Jazmine’s existence she needs a sexual outlet. When my wife feels Ok with Jazmine in bed with her she puts panties on Joe and lets Jazmine sexually satisfy her, my wife is both multi and poly orgasmic. We have acknowledged and accepted that Jazmine has a lesbian attraction to my wife.
Recently, just this week, a third self has emerged, something that we have labeled my “real self”, a gender less self. We do not adhere to male and female being a requisite for self. Everyone’s self is typically defined by being male or female, when in fact we are all male and female to one degree or another. However, cannot the self be actually gender less? My “true self”, which now basically observes Joe and Jazmine, is gender neutral. It is like an arbitrator, a go between, observing Joe and Jazmine as they talk to each other civilly in the mirror, which happens more frequently lately since Joe’s male against has diminished. This self also talks directly to Joe and/or Jazmine as it sees fit or necessary.
Right now this is where I am; my male side comes out in typical male situations and is much more calmer and far less angry and belligerent. My female side satisfies herself with housework and this seems to keep her happy, and at the same time keeps Joe’s ego in check, and this “true self” observes and arbitrates. As strange as this seems I actually believe, and my wife also believes, that I am now a combination of the best aspects of my male and female and have arrived at my true self. My male ego that has fought and suppressed my female side my entire life has relented, the battle is over, I am free to express my true self, and this is actually the arbitrator.
I do not see me going through a sex change, I now like my maleness and can express my femaleness, and I am totally accepted by my wife of thirty years. I am in my 70th year and have never been happier!